COVID and the Animal Council
In the black of night, a nondescript utility van putters into view underneath the dim glow of a street lamp. The city lies completely still around it- the only reason the nondescript van pulls any attention to itself. The surrounding apartments make no noise, their windows standing lifeless between their walls. Then just as quickly as it had entered, the van passes out of the beam of light and on with its life, completely unaware of having had a featured extra role in our narrative at all.
It leaves only a low hanging cloud of smoke over the pavement and an abandoned piece of newspaper that the tires have flung a few inches into the fumes.
Watching overhead, a crow flies in low circles hungry for a late supper. Spotting the twirling paper, she swoops down to the pavement, her squat feet planting firmly to the ground. She marches up to the paper and takes it up in her beak, retreating to a safer place next to the curb for further inspection. Under the light of the street lamp, she leans forward to examine the various letters of ink.
But, no sooner had her scrutiny begun that a noise distracts her. Senses on alert, she lifts her neck following the sound across the cracked bits of sidewalk to where the pavement crumbles. The crumbles give way to overgrown foliage that emerges at the gated border of an abandoned lot. There’s a rustle from under the gate. The vines shroud the small opening in a blanket of darkness and from there emerges a prickly brown body, hobbling from its girth and short stature.
“Afternoon, Crow!” calls the prickly thing.
Freed from the last of the surrounding leaves, Porcupine shuffles to meet her at the edge of the sidewalk.
“Good afternoon, Porcupine.” Crow, seeing Porcupine’s eyes drawn to the paper, instinctively moves to stand over her property.
He grunts. “Why you bother to look at their markings is completely beyond me. It’s on the street for a reason. It’s unimportant. The humans don’t even want to bother with it.”
“As a far less superior scavenger, you would think that.” retorts Crow. “But I am of an educated breed, so I see the value in things that you cannot.”
Porcupine chortles. “Is that so, eh? Then tell me ‘oh wise one’, what is it that it says there on that paper.”
Insulted, Crow turns her back on him and scoffs. “As if I would even bother explaining it to you.”
“Of course. My weak and feeble mind, wouldn’t be able to cope with such complexities. I suppose that’s why I spend my time doing practical things, like finding things that are actually edible to eat.”
“You ignorant-” Her rebuttal’s cut off by a chattering of “ttttt” that comes from the tree next to the lamppost.
“Now, now children.” chides Squirrel. He scurries down the lengths of the Elm’s trunk. “You really mustn’t keep the entire neighborhood awake with your squabbles. There are wee babes trying to get their sleep.”
Crow rolls her eyes. “You don’t have any children, Squirrel.”
“Not for lack of trying though, huh?” Porcupine chortles. “You’ve heard him, haven’t you? Talk about all times o’ night! This guy’s been going to town on his little girlfriend.” Porcupine proceeds to make vulgar “tttt” sounds in imitation of Squirrel’s sex life.
Crow looks horrified. “Shame on you! Invading in someone’s personal life like that.”
“They were doin’ it public. They were askin' for an audience!”
Up on the trunk, Squirrel spits back. “So, my tree happens to be in the middle of the street, but that does not make my sex life public!”
Porcupine chortles again. “Well, it’s not exactly private.”
“I don’t know why you’re giving him such a hard time, Porcupine.” comes a voice from the gutter under the street’s edge. “If you harass him much further he’s likely to quiet down his nightly pokes, and then what will you have to jerk off to?”
Crow, sighs. This is just what she needed, another fool to help carry on the conversation. “Rat!” She calls below the sidewalk. “Get your head out of the gutter!”
“Why I-“ Porcupine bristles. “If you think the sound of fluffy tuttering is what gets me off then-“
Now Squirrel is offended. “Are you saying my fluffy tuttering isn’t good enough for you??”
“Gentlemen! ENOUGH!” Crow stamps her foot down on the paper. “As crucial as your conversation may be, I came here to read my paper. That’s all I want. So, if I may ask that you so kindly SHUT UP so that I can take in some actual USEFUL information.”
Both animals fall silent feeling humble as vermin. Squirrel safeguarding his tail, twirls it around to his front, raking through the fluff while glaring down at Porcupine who squares off his shoulders, refusing to relax in case another remark should be fired down upon his one man squadron.
Rat scurries up from underneath the gutter slats. She shakes off the scum from her fur coat and licks her hands clean.
There’s a moment of silence, before she asks; “So, what does it say, Crow.”
“She’s not actually reading anyt-“ Porcupine starts to mutter.
“Sorry, were you saying something Porcupine? I was just reading.” Crow glares.
Rat finishes bathing her fingers and trots her little paws over to Crow and the paper.
“Does it say anything about why my favorite restaurants shut down? You know I’ve always been a steal from the rich and give to the poor kinda gal, but if they stay closed much longer I’m going have to start pillaging from the apartment schmucks.”
She gestures overhead, to the silent exteriors of the low-income housing.
“The trash bins are all but closed too. I can’t find nothin’ in there these days.” Porcupine grumbles.
Squirrel strokes his tail smugly. “Well don’t you feel like a proper dick for giving me shit about my natural diet, now. I always knew your wells would run dry eventually.”
“You know what they say about your type, Squirrel? You are what you eat. You’re all fruits and nuts.”
Squirrel mulls over the thought. “Then I supposed that would make you… garbage?”
Crow narrows her eyes. “Watch it, Squirrel. Thin ice.”
A voice yawns through the jungle of bushes alongside the empty lot. “Is it Winter already?”
Cat makes her bored entrance with a stretch of her long charcoal back, vainly reaching out her legs so that all of her limbs are shown at their best.
She continues; “I must have slept for the entire Summer season- put to sleep by how dull your squabbles have gotten recently.”
Porcupine growles, scrunching his nose. “So ‘glad’ you could make it. We were just ‘beggin’ for your insight. ”
Rat tries to squeak a desperate plea of a devil’s advocate. Cat’s formidable presence has her more terrified than it has the others annoyed. “She did say that the squabbles have gotten dull recently, which does imply that they were entertaining at one point.”
Squirrel swishes his tail back indignantly. “My squabbles have always been entertaining, thankyouverymuch.”
“Among your other entertaining activities.” Cat winks, causing Squirrel- who had yet to feel embarrassed blush deeply.
Cat then spots Crow, who stands over the paper trying desperately to ignore the riffraff bombarding her ears from all sides.
“What’s the dirt, Birdbrain.” she heckles.
“Good evening to you too, Cat.” Crow bows her head in mock respect to which Cat scoffs.
Crow doesn’t let the cough escape unremarked. “Careful now, there might be a hairball coming on.”
“I think I’m alright for now.” Cat sneers. “But tell me, Crow. What does your paper say? Give me all the details, I must know.”
She licks her lips, readying to pounce on the next line like it was attached to the feather, dangling on the end of a teaser. “What, Cat got your tongue?”
The other members of the party linger in hushed anticipation.
“If you’re so interested, you can come over and look at it yourself.” Crow pushes the paper towards her as a challenge, which Cat rises to meet, meandering over the ink as breath stands bated on all sides.
“Mmm”
“Well?” prods Squirrel, abandoning all tail pruning. He scurries down the tree to stand with the rest of the party. His only societal stature pushed aside to be further in the well of gossip.
“Mmm” Cat considers once more, knowingly stoking the flames of suspense. If she had opposable thumbs, her paws would have twirled the ends her whiskers, a self-satisfied Sherlock lording the newly solved mystery over the helpless police squad.
“Well??” further prods Porcupine.
“Yes.” appeals the cat. “… ‘Well’…” She nods to the audience, milking it’s attention to the last drop. “There’s some sort of a virus. I’ve known this for awhile. Jesus, you lot must live under rocks. This-”
Squirrel glares at Rat. “It was you, wasn’t it.”
Rat looks as offended as she does unsure. Because… I mean, she doesn’t know. Was it her??? She starts thinking back to who she’d been in contact with for the last two weeks.
“Now wait just on a minute.” Porcupine shoves his way up to front of the cluster. He looks from the paper that shows a tall human sinking a basket back up to Cat. “What exactly does this ‘virus’ have to do with the basketball player?”
“Did he get the virus?” Rat asks nervously.
“No, he can’t play because of the virus.”
“Because the basketball has the virus?”
“What? No, that’s absurd.”
“Now wait just a minute.” says Porcupine again. “This doesn’t say ‘VIRUS’ it says ‘COVID’, Cat- Can you even read??”
“Of course I can read, idiot. COVID is-”
“What do you think, gang?” Porcupine’s mental gears are turning. “The headline probably stands for something being in all capital letters like that.”
Cat is getting annoyed. “No, I already know wh-“
“Crustaceans Overload Various Isolation Decks?” offers Rat..
Cat tries to interject. “No, that’s-“
“Curious Orangutans Visit Icelandic Dingbats”. Crow recommends, smiling coyly and willing the others to continue.
“No, would you-”
“Cruddy Ovaltine Values Instate Delicacies” chimes Squirrel.
“IT DOESN’T STAND FOR ANYTHING! IT’S WHAT THE VIRUS IS CALLED!” Cat finally snaps, pouncing down the throats of every party member at once.
Rat is not convinced. “What’s your source?”
Cat turns on her in a heartbeat. Her voice takes on a low hiss. “I will literally eat you.”
Rat gulps, her throat falling into the pit of her stomach. A silence falls across the onlookers. The game has gone on too long now. Someone’s going to get hurt. Crow steps defensively in front of Rat, shielding her from the inevitable cat fight. Her move means to signal to the feline that she should step down, and she would have too if not for-
Porcupine’s sudden chuckle. Everyone breaks to look at him. He shrugs and chuckles again. “Litter-ally’. Get it? Like cat litter. Litter-ally.” Squirrel and Rat both try to fight back their smirks.
Cat’s expression says that ‘now they’ve really done it’. She will not stand by and be made a mockery of by a street rat! She arches her back.
“She’s gonna blow!” Squirrel scampers out of the way, seeking refuge in the tree. Cat’s tail spikes into a furry javelin. Her claws bared, ready to sink into the scrawny rodent whose restaurants were no longer able to plump her. Porcupine waddles backward at full tilt, wanting to give Cat an arms birth and then some.
Rat looks to her sewer grate of safety, but it’s directly behind the assailant’s figure that looms 15 times larger than herself. Crow, is the only one who stands her ground protectively raising her arms while like a baby chick, Rat ducks beneath her feathers. Undeterred by the beaked obstacle, Cat raises a taloned paw, ready to swipe the bird out of the way when-
“Stop!!” Squirrel cries, pointing from the lookout above. “There’s someone coming!”
The animals turn towards the direction of Squirrel’s outstretched arm and sure enough, a human figure walks down the sidewalk in their direction only a few dozen feet away. The sighs of relief from Porcupine and Crow are audible. Rat is not so quick to release from her paralyzed cower.
“Quick. Scatter!” Porcupine yelps.
“Everyone stays exactly where they are.” Cat hisses.
“Now, now, Cat.” soothes Crow. “If you’d like the opportunity to eat any of us in the future, it’d be best that the humans in the neighborhood don’t think that there are vermin taking over their streets.”
From underneath her Rat attempts a stuttered act of ferocity. “R-r-r-ight. Y-you just b-back off you-” The rest of the sentence is muffled as Crow gently squeezes her wing to her body, burying Rat’s remarks in her feathers.
“No, Crow. Let’s hear what the little rodent has to say.” Cat begins to arch for a lunge again, but her attack is halted once more as Squirrel’s commentary chimes in from overhead. “It’s getting closer!!”
“Fine!” Cat spits, disgusted with the entire event.
She lowers her drawbridge back, the momentary peace treaty signed. “It’s a shame that when I eat you, you’ll only taste like trash. They say that-”
“You are what you eat!” Porcupine, Squirrel and Rat say all at once.
Cat rolls her eyes and stalks back into the jungle of the empty lot, fading into the blackness until out of sight.
“Alright. Time to go everyone. Chop, chop. We’re pulling too much attention.” Crow shimmies Rat out from underneath her. She shakes out her feathers with the unattainable hope of shedding the sewage smell that now clings to every fiber.
“Aw, you guys aren’t going to stick around for Squirrel’s viewing party?” Porcupine winks up at the tree and receives a darting glare in return.
Feeling meek and small, Rat looks up to Crow. “Do you think there’s actually a virus? Do you think it was me?”
Crow looks back pityingly. “No, if there is a virus, I don’t think it was you, Rat.”
Porcupine reaches down to give Rat a hug, his spiky body just grazing the top of Rat’s skin before she squeaks and runs towards the sewer. “Why is everyone trying to kill me?!”
“Oops.” chuckles Porcupine. He looks out down the sidewalk towards the human and then to the paper. It lifts gently at the edges from the night breeze. “Ya know, so what if they notice us?” he speculates. “The most they’ll do is write about it. And all of the other humans will just think it’s a piece of- what do they call it? The opposite of what’s real.‘Fiction’.”
“Best not to take the risk.” says Crow urgently. The human is nearly on top of them now.
“Yes, Goodnight everyone!” calls Squirrel beginning to scamper up the tree. “That includes you, Porcupine. Stay away from my tree!” and he disappears into the leaves.
“Thank you for everything, Crow.” Rat nods solemnly before leaping through the gutter’s grates.
“Yes, I believe it’s time to turn in for the night.” Crow spreads her wings.
“Yes, it is.” grunts Porcupine. Then, putting a finger to the lips of a mischievous grin, he nestles in underneath a vehicle parked directly under Squirrel’s tree.
Crow rolls her eyes at him. “Perv.” And within a few swift movements she takes flight, soaring over the oncoming human and the empty lot, and out of view beyond the trees.
Human watches her go in the same way that she’d been watching the entire time she drew near- Observing as one after the other each of the animals standing in the group seemed to bid farewell to each other and depart from what appeared to be some kind of… well no it couldn’t have been. But it seemed almost like they were having some sort of meeting. Because didn’t it seem like that rat was thanking the crow? And didn’t it almost seem like that squirrel was offended and telling off that disgruntled porcupine?
Telling off a disgruntled porcupine. She laughs at the thought, but continues to volley the idea in her head as her feet take her further down the sidewalk. Before she’s rounded the next corner however, any questions of there being any reality to the situation have completely evaporated. Instead, quite pleased with herself, she’s settled on this perception; What a funny idea that little animal meeting would make for a piece of fiction.
